dave_over

I found out last night on the phone conversation with my mother that she had cancer removed from her face. Days in the sun caused cancer some 50 years later. Never mind the "wow" factor of long term cel damage eventually mutating into a malignant growth which can kill you... it *my mom*!

We may not have always had the best relationship, in fact there were years that I was not even in contact with her for her birthday or Mothers Day, times when we have been so at odds with one another that any conversation was an excercise in patience just to get beyond "hello", and times when I have wondered what it would be like to not have been adopted (ok, so that was when I was, like, 6).

But for every time there were those feelings I should just walk away from my family, I never fully could. Eventually, I forgave her, then I forgave myself. Now? Well, we still don't always agree, but that's OK. I know she cares, and she knows I care. We love each other for who we are, and accept each others' faults and strengths. After all, that's family. She's my mom. I will always respect and love her, and to think of her mortality being forced into my conciusness by something as serious as squamous cell carcinoma? Oy.

Then there was Korray. She was having a pretty rough day, it was clear. Turns out she misses her mom, but wants her mom from 5 years ago, not her mom from today. I sincerely hope that, someday, she will be able to get to the point I am at, and not allow her bitterness at past mistakes cloud her interactions with everyone else.

Quote of Dad for the month for October, "I'm only an asshole when I need to be!" She was up and moving this morning and seems committed to making classes. Repeat something long enough and eventually it sinks in?

Thanks for weighing in, everyone. Advice is a good thing. Running start will be in the future as soon as he can get through to actually doing the work in the classes she has. NOVA is about self direction. Given my own history on that front, I think she's just getting used to having that freedom before buckling down and doing something about it. Not every bird flies directly out of the nest. She will do fine. She cares.

On the derby front, I think I am going to talk to the board about a fresh restart on an annual basis for officer positions. After all, the board is elected annually by the parents, it makes sense that every officer position would then be considered vacant until such time as the first board meeting. Then everyone can make niminations and elect officers. I think this would go a long way towards mixing up people who are serving in positions as well as allowing the board to elect officers they truly want in those postions. Oh, and yes, I am going for board election next year. Korray says she's going to skate, and there is a lot of work the board has in progress that I feel the need to help see to completion. I also want to set a goal: SDB completely donation/grant funded within 2 years. I know it can happen.

I find myself being reflective over the last year already. I think it's the season. It's been a very busy year. Lots of things happened, and a lot of things didn't. All in all, I think it was a reasonably successful year. Of course, I always look back to improve going forward. Since I never actually do this at the new calendar year, I think my goals are:

1. Be kinder. I need to find ways to more effectively deal with stress. It turns me into a person I don't like, and I think others don't like me when I get stressed, too.

2. Increase felxibility; both physical and emotional/mental. I am 41. Things are beginning to stiffen up. I need to start doing something to stop that... both mentally and physically. I remember a sign once that said "I will not become more conservative just because I get older." I need to remember the reasons for my leftist leaning. This will also help number 1.

3. Listen more. I need to actually listen to Korray, not make my own conclusions and force them to fit. She has her own reasons for things, and listening to them helps us both. This is also true with other things in life. This will also help with numbers 1 and 2.

New years resolutions? Somewhat, I guess. I see them more as things I have looked at and feel the need to improve.

Yes, LJ, this is a dumping of angst, etc. Feel free to comment on how angsty I am being. I know *I* do...

I miss gaming. Sure, I could be doing more of it, but I find that even the games I am in seem to lack something. Oh wait, I know! I want to *run* games, not play in them. Playing is all well and good, but I find much more satisfaction in creating the story and allowing the players to romkp through it.

Which means I need some more players.

I have a game I am running every other Saturday evenings, but the players seem to be spotty at best. Of course this could have something to do with the fact that I have filled just about every weekend with derby stuff for the last several months and they hve become frustrated and confused as to when game actually is supposed to be. >.>

Korray thinks I should drop being the president of the league because she is tired of me having to be at every single thing (which she feels means she has to be at every single thing appropriate for her to be at, too). I think she may have a point.

I enjoy Junior Derby and I am so happy to be helping at the level I am. I think it is wonderful to do all of the things we are doing on the board. The changes we are bringing in the next year are awesome... But if my being president is affecting my daughter's enjoyment of the sport, and I am missing the amount of free time, should I step back? Maybe see about delegating some more of the responsibilities and not feel so obligated to be at every little thing? We'll see where things fall out. Heck, I might not even get elected to the board next season, who knows?

Speaking of the daughter, things are proceeding apace. I sometimes think I am getting through to her and sometimes not. Recently we a conversation where I had to explain to her that no, I do not like being a "dick" to her. In fact, it hurts to have to be mean in the name of parenting. But I have to be, sometimes. And sometimes that means she will ahve to live without computer for a week, or no cel phone for a night and staying in her room... Now if she would just get the point that I back off of her when she actually starts stepping up, things will continue to improve. All I really know is that I am tired of driving home in dread that I, once again, will have to fight with the daughter about not going to all of her classes.. or even showing up at all.

We did get her schedule changed to drop Skate Squad and replace it with an art independnant study as well as working things so she will be working at a faster pace towards completing Algebra. The "Applied Math" class she was registered for is about 5 grade levels below where she actually should be. She wanted pre-algebra to get things before jumping into the waters of quadratics, not a class on fractions and measuring!

So, there you have it. An Angst dump. At least it's a post, right? ;)

OK, not really. As has been observed in times past, the more things change, the more they stay the same. At least it's Autumn today! The leaves changing around the campous here are beautiful. Bright red maple leaves all over the place!

Been working hard on Roller Derby stuff. We have our board retreat this weekend, so I have been busilly putting together proposals, planning the agenda, etc. Also had a "summit" with the leadership of several other leagues in the area (Kitsap Derby Brats, I-5 Roller Girls, Rat City Roller Girls, and Jet City Roller Girls). That was actually a somewhat useful meeting, I think. It definitely put us in the realm of talking to one another. Not a lot was accomplished, but I do think it was a very god first meeting. It set the groundwork for what I think will be a higher level of cooperation amongst the leagues in the area.

Of course I have been working hard at work, too... Derby is just more fun!

The daughter... oy. She has been skipping out on classes, which is not *that* uncommon a thing at Nova, but it was getting kind of bad. Bad enough that her coordinator wanted to have a meeting with her and the principal. When the coordinator approached Korray to have the meeting, the daughter turned around and walked out. NOT OK! And today, I woke her up and she said she would get herself to school on time. I check in when I get to work only to find out that she is taking a "mental health day." NOT OK! I mean, sure I understand needing mental health days, but you do NOT take them unless pre-approved!

The girls isn't careful, she's going to land herself in a comprehensive high school!

When Korray was about 4 and throwing a tantrum in a store over me not getting her whatever or not being able to push the cart through the crowded store, I would look at other people and see knowing smiles on some of the older patrons. While I recognized that they must be parents themselves, it seemed kind of trite to me that they would stand there watching my struggles and simply smile. Last night, I found myself giving a mother who had just told her son for the umpteenth time to put something back and get out of the way of the "nice man."

Now I understand. It's not that they were smiling over my pain, it was that they were smiling over the fact that they knew (they KNEW!) that it was something I had bett enjoy while it lasted. So much more was to come!

Over the past 24 hours, it has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotion. She came home, did her chores, even did her homework without being prompted, yet when I complimented her on this all I got was a very snarky "nice."

Befuddled, I asked what was wrong and got the "glare of death." I still don't know what that one was all about! Yet she then proceeded to finish up her computer time, get showered and ready for bed without prompting and then demanded I give her a hug instead of just stomping off to bed as is usually the case when she's angry. No complaints from me, but it was certainly confusing!

This morning? The teen wolf bared her claws and teeth and went for blood at every opportunity... then texted me off and on for an hour from school chatting pleasantly. She had dropped her 8:30 class this morning after getting "in trouble" for being late and fearing she was about to be kicked out of NOVA... And now she's back to happy.

I would like to say I was never this bad... but I am pretty sure I must have been!

My daughter is insane. 6 classes and 2 extra curiculars?! A capella choir, Skate Squad (Roller derby for Nova), Action Faction (Leadership class surrounding social justice in gender and sexuality), Math, Comic drawing (which includes history of comics), ceramics, Freshman academy (Health, Language arts, science), and Field Ecology... Oh, and something called "Transitions." Seems ambitious to me!

Korray comes home tomorrow!

K is coming to terms with the fact that this is what she needs. She said as much, acknowledging that she should be there a week or longer. She's still resisting a bit, but is beginning to work with the program more. I can't tell yet if the meds are beginning to work or not, but she definitely seemed calmer and more in control. She's getting better.

I am not Superman, and that's OK. Thanks for everyone who sent their love and support.

http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/gallery/thigh/180hamstring_muscles.JPG

This is what I have injured. It's a minor, grade 1-2 hamstring pull but it has been enough to slow my excercise. That, along with some backsliding in my eating habits (revealed to me while I was cleaning my car and found bags of all the fast food I had been eating) have led to a small gain in weight of 3 pounds over the past couple of weeks. Bad me! No sausage biscuits!